American humor

[Diana]

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"

and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

******

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and

says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

******

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is

carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th'

bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"

"OK. Ummmmm...five?"

******

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next

door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh

house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have them big red trucks?"

******

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or

more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

******

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob

tells Lester,"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only

this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your

suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I

went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me

to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you

suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's

different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue WITH me."

******

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told

Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked

the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator

asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said,

"How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

******

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

******

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries.

******

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been

called a teethbrush.

******

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

*******

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a

couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

******

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane

in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

:lol: :lol:

[Diana]

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on

I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia

line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said,

"Hey sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied,

"Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead

of us, so we'll never catch him."

:lol:

[Diana]

This one is so funny . Who wants to fill it out?

Alabama License Application

Last name: _________________

First name:

(Check appropriate box)

[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: _________________

3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________

2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: _____

Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________

Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles that you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:

[_] truck [_] kitchen

[_] bedroom [_] bathroom

[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:

_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 200-400 miles

[_] over 400 miles

[_] what's a miles?

[Diana]

TRYING TO PLAN A CHRISTMAS PARTY

December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take

place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of

spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to

sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to

light

the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at

that

time: however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Ted Lange

Human Resources Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 2nd

TO ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We

recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with

Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're

calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are

celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no

Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Ted Lange

Human Resources Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 3rd.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics

Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this

request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA

Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts

exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is

too much money.

Ted Lange

Human Resources Director

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest

from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays

are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay

men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for

the gay men's table. Happy NOW?

Ted Lange

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, People-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to

play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"

there is no evil connotation to our own " little man in a red suit."

Ted Lange

Human Rat races

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this

party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at

the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get

salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have

feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm

hearing them right now..HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive

drunk and die, you hear me?

The Jerk from Hell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Ted Lange a speedy

recovery from his stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your

cards to him at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to

cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off

with full pay.

Terry Bishop

Acting Human Resources Director

[Bender B.R.]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: за что я люблю американски юмор,так это за то что не над кем они не смеются так, как над собою. :xixi:

[Diana]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: за что я люблю американски юмор,так это за то что не над кем они не смеются так, как над собою. :xixi:

[Bender B.R.]

тем более что поводов ой как много.

Решила тут писать ,а то раздел угасает

[Diana]

Поводы можно найти в любой стране,вон у меня собралась неплохая коллекция шуток про апаранцев например

[Diana]

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop,clip-clop, bang, bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?

- An Amish drive-by shooting.

What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?

-Nothing. You're gonna lose the trailer either way!

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

-"Yes, it does," replied the rancher. "Do you remember that part in the Bible when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

"Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood," the visitor said.

"Well," said the rancher, "we got two and a half inches during that spell."

:lol:

[Diana]

The US Army Switchboard

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your #$%@ off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

:crying:

[Мукуч]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: за что я люблю американски юмор,так это за то что не над кем они не смеются так, как над собою. :xixi:

[Bender B.R.]

the Y2K Bug

[Diana]

I have a friend who is in Air Force and his base is in Las Vegas :wow: , he gambles once in a while but never wins. :klubnik:

Looser :lol:

[Zarzand]

well it means don't play

[aha]

А можно я сюда русско-американский эмигрантский юмор включу? Вот такое вот стиxотвореньице. Очень точно, кстати, все передает. :wallbash: :hehe:

Прекрасно жить в свободных Штатах

При обеспеченных харчах,

При службе, при больших зарплатах,

Автомобилях и домах!

Здесь лишь одно немного грустно:

Язык не тот. Не как в Москве.

Не говорят они по-русски,

Хоть кол теши на голове!

Но к трудностям такого сорта

Любой из нас уже привык.

Мы спикаем по-русски гордо,

Мы кипаем родной язык.

Мы соль не спилаем на раны,

Подругу киссаем взасос,

На службе ранаем программы,

Когда реквестает наш босс.

Мы дринкаем сухие вина,

Энджоем собственный уют,

Мы лихо драйваем машины,

Берем хайвей (когда дают).

Когда окюрится возможность,

Возьмем э фью денечков офф,

Махнем в апстейт по бездорожью,

В лесу напикаем грибов,

Накукаем такой закуски,

Какой не видел целый свет!

Дринкнем как следует, по-русски!

Факнем жену на склоне лет!

А то – возьмем большой вакейшен,

Допустим, парочку недель,

В Париже, в дистрикте старейшем

Себе забукаем отель.

А там – и Рим не за горами,

Мадрид, Берлин, едрена мать!

Мы будем шопать в Амстердаме!

Мы будем в Праге ланчевать!

При наших, при больших зарплатах

Нам вся Европа – по плечу!

Ах, хорошо в Юнайтед Штатах!

Эх, травеляй, куда хочу!

Аппрочает весенний вечер,

Даркеет – прямо на ходу.

Стихают речи, гаснут свечи,

И Пушкин спинает в гробу...