американские анекдоты

[Orchid]

i did my best to make you smile and laugh

[Ara]

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.” So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.” She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

[Ara]

А вот немного старого английского юмора: :shljapa:

The telephone rings.

Voice: John Smith is ill and can`t attend school today. He asked me to notify you.

Class master: All right. Who is this speaking?

Voice: This is my friend.

Jim`s Friend: Hello, Jim! Fishing?

Jim: No, drowning worms.

Why did they hang that picture?

Perhaps they couldn`t find the artist.

Mummy, why does it rain?

To make things grow, to give us apples, pears, flowers…

Then why does it rain on the pavement?!

[Ara]

Johnny, is it possible that you are teaching the parrot to use vulgar words?

No mummy. I was just telling him what not to say.

Tommy: I say, dad, there`s a man at the circus who jumps on a horse`s back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail and finishes up in the horse`s neck.

Father: That`s easy. I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse.

Painter: Have you seen how Lawrence, the art critic, has massacred my last painting?

Friend: Don`t mind him. He just repeats like a parrot what everyone is saying.

[Orchid]

more

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

[Orchid]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...

compliment her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine & dine her,

buy things for her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...

show up naked,

bring beer.

[Orchid]

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome. While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?" "Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours." "I can die a happy man. Godbye my love." And the man peacefully passed away. Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."

[Dina_Bari]

BOY : I can't leave you ...

GIRL : Do you love me so much??

BOY : It's not that. You're standing on my foot.

BOY : May I hold your hand??

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??

BOY : Were you away??

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?

BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me ...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest ...

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.

GIRL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so

overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour ...

BOY : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life ...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever ...

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

GIRL1: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

GIRL2: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth

BOY : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!

GIRL : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

BOY : Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

GIRL : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

BOY : May I have the pleasure of this dance?

GIRL : No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

BOY : Will you come out with me this Saturday?

GIRL : Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

BOY : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

GIRL : Okay, get out!!!

BOY : Shall we go and see a film?

GIRL : I've already seen it!!!

BOY : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?

GIRL : Nah, it was plain bad luck

[Orchid]

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

[Orchid]

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

[Orchid]

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.

The old man asks, ''''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

[Orchid]

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[teak]

canada vs. US joke

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in OTTAWA, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

[teak]

gotta love this one...

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's

Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

[teak]

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're

new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your

birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In

case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm

bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I

guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,

but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you

not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine

whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a

place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my

wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to

have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good

personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?

..... You're right, we don't. ... Sign here

мой любимый #8 прочитанный сразу за #9