американские анекдоты

[teak]

Why invade Canada?

It's been done before

(And we're not just talking about those South Park kids or John Candy.)

You know if it wasn't for Benedict Arnold (Yup, the traitor of later) losing a key battle in the Revolutionary War, Canada would probably be a part of the U.S. (But much like New Jersey, we probably wouldn't want it).

Canada Has Stuff!

First off, let's make Alaska actually connected to the U.S. again! Those Alaskan folks are always getting screwed by not being part of the "continental 48 states". Let's give them a nice little bridge downstairs. A little bit of farmland never hurt anything either, but forget the permafrost part. Canada is the second largest country in the world, let's fix that.

If Christmas ever fails to come, the Canucks did it

The magnetic north pole is within the Canadian border. We must protect Santa Claus!

They're just a little too proud

Perhaps if they didn't think it was so cool to live in "Diet America" we wouldn't need to invade them, but with people like this guy and these people thinking that Canada is the coolest thing since sliced bread, we need to do our part to keep them in their place. There's a reason the continent is called "North America" and not "North Canada".

They stole our basketball teams

Since when does the "N.B.A." stand for "Canadians Can Play Too". We need to get Vancouver and Toronto annexed into America to preserve the "N".

They don't play nicely with each other

There has been a secessionist movement for years. Quebec doesn't like other Canadians, and the feeling is pretty much mutual. We don't have that in the U.S... you know, there aren't any (Texas) big states (Texas) that think that they're better (Texas) than the rest of the Union (Texas).

It's possible

Why go to the moon? Because it's there. Same with Canada, it's just colder than the moon.

http://www.invadecanada.us/

P.S.

ничего не напоминает?

[Lajflak]

reminds me of that "blame canada: song from south park.

but regarding the american jokes, they simply cannot be compared to the russian ones. it's a different language tone and just a whole different mindset. I mean look the cuss words for instance. the "fuck" word can be used w/o having that same sense of vulgarity as it would in russian or armenian for that matter.

[Ara]

Bush asking students

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

[Ara]

Bush and World War III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

[Ara]

Bush's Brain

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

[Ara]

Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

[Ara]

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit. He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[Orchid]

These two boys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make it really good. One of the guys asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo-style. The other guy said no and asked him to explain.

''That's where you start out doing it doggy-style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds!''

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?

A tourist.

[Orchid]

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”

The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”

The first guy answers, “Chicago.”

“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”

“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.

“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”

''951.”

“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”

“ John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”

[Orchid]

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''