американские анекдоты

[Orchid]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

[Orchid]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I am a congressman!" The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.” So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.” She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?” The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?” The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?”

[Orchid]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.

[Artsakh]

Юмор у них весьма специфический.

[Orchid]

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND SOME FRIES." The librarian says, "This is a library." The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND FRIES.'' And the librarian says, one more time, ''But this is a library, miss!" The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a hamburger a coke and fries!"

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

[Orchid]

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What!?! How about the bad news? Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday

"My wife is an angel." "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

[Orchid]

Q: What does a blonde do when she wakes up?

A: Go home!

There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg. The farmer said, ''That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.'' ''So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the tourist asked. ''Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and he woke us all up.'' ''So,'' the tourist asked again, ''why does that pig have a wooden leg?'' ''Well, a pig that brave you can't eat all at once!''

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

[Orchid]

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her 3 wishes. ''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted. ''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted. ''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and were madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her. ''Aren''t you upset you had me fixed?''

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!'' ''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.'' ''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

[Orchid]

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his.

What is it? A last name.

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane. When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town

[Orchid]

What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?

A visitor.

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?" "Yes son, he loves all children." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Orchid]

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically." "Rubbish," says the girl. "No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on." The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on." "Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on." "Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." "Yes, but are you good in bed?" "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[Orchid]

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.''How do you think I called you people?''

A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...'' The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes. The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?''

[Orchid]

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.'' And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween?

Dead.

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.” One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

[Orchid]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[alef]

there are several REALLY good ones! :up: :lol: